I am Dr. Hyman Rotterberg, and I wish to get married. No, I really want to get married, and to get married soon.
I am 35 years of age, a licensed psychiatrist in New York City, and I have never been married. I am on three online dating services and have been for over a year, having dated some lovely women. But I keep wondering what will these women be like when they are in their 60s?
My friends tell me not to be so cautious, since they tell me to think of what I will look like when I am in my 60s.
I enjoy taking vacations on cruise ships where I meet interesting people, but it seems they are either already married with children or well in their 60s.
I study the passengers, and time and time again I have to ask myself this question: “Is growing fat and sloppy a necessity for old age?” Most of my studies on this question occur when I am in the dining areas of the ship. My studies reveal that there are no handsome men or beautiful women once they reach that age of 60 plus.
Excess weight is a given factor when it comes to the appearance of the men or women in their 60s. You cannot be obese and look good no matter how tall you are. Yet, viewing the way the passengers gorge themselves makes it easy to understand how they have accumulated the extra pounds.
I, who have orange juice, cold cereal with skim milk, coffee, no cream or sugar, and a bagel with jelly, cannot understand how anyone, having eaten a five-course dinner the night before, can load up their breakfast plate with three strips of bacon, a slice of ham, a double portion of scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast with two pats of butter each, and coffee with extra cream and sugar, and are then still able to help themselves to a few pieces of pastry.
Oh, I forgot to mention that they also take a large helping of hash browns and some fruit. And just in case they get hungry before it is time for lunch they are sure to take some fruit and pastries back to their stateroom.
Some of these obese men could pass as football players, perhaps an offensive guard or tackle, or maybe because of their weight could be both guard and tackle.
But it’s their wives that I spend a great deal of time studying. They are almost as obese as their husbands. Do any of these people weigh themselves at home? Maybe they try but the scale cannot register their weight because of limitations of how high the scale can register.
In my professional work I often discuss love and sexual problems with my patients. Studying these obese passengers I wonder if they ever give each other a hug, since with small hands and huge bellies it would appear to be difficult to get their two hands around their spouses’ waist, must less to indulge in intercourse.
Yet in spite of all of this I still want to get married and the sooner the better.
Will my future wife at 60 look like some of these cruise passenger women? Oh, my gosh, will I look like some of these cruise passenger men at 60?
I think I will just stop cruising.
© 2017 Albert Zimbler
Albert Zimbler is a 92-year-old author of six humor short story books on Amazon of which MORE DATING AND MATING SECRETS OF SENIORS AND OTHER HUMOR SHORT STORIES is the latest. He also teaches senior improv.