It was the very first annual meeting of the International Society for the Study of Human Responses to the Written Word held in New York City at the Hilton Hotel. The society was the brainchild of James Sloan, a professor of writing at the University of Iowa and a published writer of erotic short stories.
In his college course the subject had been broached by two of his students as to whether a reader became more titillated where written sexual action is of a “bam bam thank you mam” nature or where the sexual action is slow and lingering and goes on for a page or more before the act is completed.
This question intrigued Professor Sloan, so he had his students prepare a short story of the first type and he would judge the winners.
Here is the winning “bam bam thank you mam” short story:
They were both lawyers at the same law firm and each had been recently divorced. In the last three months the two of them had started to flirt with each other. Soon the flirting had gone on to quick kisses and then some body parts touching. Then it happened on an informal Friday, as the law firm called it, they were the only two left in the offices at seven p.m.
Gene looked at Joan and said very softly to her, “If ever we are going to do it, the time is now.” Before one could run off 10 copies on the photocopy machine, they each discarded their clothes, swept the conference table clear of all papers, and entered into a partnership that made each of the two partners smiling on the deal that had just been consummated.
This winning “bam bam thank you mam” short story was then passed out to the students to take the first part of the story and turn it into a slow, detailed, multi-page erotic short story.
From where the above story said Gene and Joan were the only two left in the offices at seven p.m., the winning second story continued:
Gene looked at Joan and said, “I think we have both been waiting for this opportunity, but I don’t know.”
Joan saw the eagerness in Gene’s eyes, walked over to Gene, and planted a long wet kiss on his lips and then started to unbutton his shirt. Gene looked amazed and dazed but quickly he started to unbutton Joan’s blouse. Soon Joan’s breasts were exposed, although partially hidden by her lace bra.
Gene immediately felt his loins doing things and felt a desire that he had not had for a very long time. He nuzzled his face in the lace of Joan’s bra and his hands raced around Joan’s back to unfasten the bra hooks. Joan’s lovely breasts now stood out like headlights pointed forward with their nipples acting as if they were on high beam.
Not to be only a statue, Joan had also gone to work and had managed to take the belt off of Gene’s pants. Now his pants were down around his ankles and his shorts had a pointer in them with an arrow pointing straight ahead.
“Go slowly,” Gene yelled to Joan as she continued with trying to lower his jockey shorts, which by now were firmly snared on his erection.
That was the winning slow erotic story.
Professor Sloan had then sent copies of these two stories to all of the professors now in the room at the Hilton Hotel with instructions on how to conduct a survey of the citizens in their countries based on both age and gender before attending the first conference with their report of the survey.
Here are some of the tabulated results by country:
In America, Professor Sloan said that his survey showed that people do it when they can, no matter who, what, or where they are. While the English professor said that in England they do it too, but with manners. Pierre Murteau said that in France they first wine, and dine, and wine some more while Professor Jose Mirgos of Spain said ole, which in his language means two things, namely hooray and wonderful.
Then when it came to general findings, these were the results:
People in nursing homes where the general population was usually over 70 years of age: the residents wanted the story done quick and easy because they sometimes would fall asleep reading the first page if there were two pages of erotic writing, and then sometimes if they could stay awake and continue on to the second page they would forget what the first page was all about.
Teenagers thought that the writing would be better if there were pictures on some of the pages since many could not read and still many more did not know what some of the erotic words meant. But overall the boys and girls in this age group wanted the writing to be of the fast and furious type, the kind of lust they could easily understand.
The age group of 22 through 38 also liked sexy pictures to go with the writing, but because they were usually both working it was the fast and furious lovemaking that they desired first and then the slow writing to get them in the mood for the second session of lovemaking. This group also had young children around the house which may have contributed to which writing they preferred.
The 39 through 50 age group members were very happy with the long erotic writing as in most cases the children had left the household and the parents could enjoy a cocktail after work and relax on the couch before dinner. Then they could start the reading either before or after dinner. They could even start reading before dinner and stop to have dinner and then continue with the erotic story, which added tension and desire while they enjoyed dinner with lovemaking as the dessert.
Finally there was the 51 to 70 group with both genders having mostly the same agreement, namely fast and furious. This was because for the men it was necessary since by that age they had started to droop more and found it harder to satisfy their mate, while for the women it was noted that 87% wanted it fast and furious so that it would be over with quickly and they could go on doing the things which gave them pleasure since a droopy male member is not much fun.
Overall the participants at this first society meeting were happy with all of the findings from the countries that were present. They praised Professor Sloan and told him to have his students come up with other thoughts for the basis of the survey that they would conduct in their countries in the coming year and the results of which they would report back to the second annual meeting.
© 2017 Albert Zimbler
Albert Zimbler is a 92-year-old author of six humor short story books on Amazon of which MORE DATING AND MATING SECRETS OF SENIORS AND OTHER HUMOR SHORT STORIES is the latest. He also teaches senior improv.