My name is Grace. I am 24 years old, a recent college graduate, and I now live in a suburb of New York City, where I have a job as a consultant. Being new, I signed up on a dating service and, in the past few weeks, I have experienced dates that I could never have imagined or dreamed of.
Let me relate some of these experiences:
My first was a 28-year-old mortgage banker who I agreed to meet in front of the library in the suburb of where I live. Promptly at six p.m. a large motor home pulled up to the curb at the library and out walked Jim, dressed in a chef’s outfit with a chef’s hat on his head. He told me that I was invited for a dinner to be prepared by him in the motor home, which he said would stay parked at the curb while he prepared dinner for the two of us.
I have to say that Jim was a really fine chef. It was after we had finished dinner that he suggested that we retire to the bedroom to see some of his movies that he had prepared for this occasion. Goodbye, Jim.
My next date had me meet him at the auto dealership where he worked. When I met Stan there, he gave me the keys to a Porsche and told me to take a drive around the block. I was hesitant but here was an opportunity to drive an expensive car. I did, and when I came back to the dealership, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes convertible to take another ride around the block. And I did.
Then Stan suggested that he and I should take a ride in a large SUV and he would show me the special features that it had, specifically the rear seats that folded back. I naturally declined and that ended our auto testing date.
John had me meet him at a small airport near where I lived. John was 32, a pilot for a major airline, and he owned his own two-passenger plane that he kept at this small airport.
Although I had never been a passenger in such a small plane, John reassured me that he had many flight hours on this plane and that I would be safe with him. We flew over Long Island and saw the Atlantic Ocean.
Then John asked me if I would like to join the mile-high club. I did not know what type of club that was. John informed me that its members had sex while flying in an airplane.
I told John that I was not interested in being a member of that club. He graciously landed and gave me taxi money to get home.
The next weird date was with a house sitter. Actually he was a real estate salesman, and the date being Sunday, he was holding an open house for a property he was trying to sell.
People were coming in to look at the house while Mike tried to impress me with his knowledge of real estate. It was when he wanted to show me the furnished bedroom with the large waterbed that I said goodbye.
What dates followed these wacko dates were just as goofy: the grocery store guy who had me sample all of the free food that the vendors were passing out, and then the manager of a thrift shop who showed me all of the good stuff I could buy first before the general public would be allowed to buy if only I would go back to his place.
Or the cop who invited me to night court and then to his jail or the circus high wire acrobat who wanted to see if I would climb up and have sex on the small platform from where he started his act.
Finally in disgust I went to the library and walked up to Ralph, the desk clerk at the information desk, whose name was on his badge. I said I was looking for a self-help book. He smiled and said that, if I were looking for a self-help book, why didn’t I just look for it myself since self help is self help on your own without asking for information.
I was amused by his reply, found a book, and then went back to Ralph. I told him that I had had many bad dates lately and he looked like the kind of guy I wanted to date. Would he make plans to date me some evening?
He said yes, and here it is three months later and we are going strong. I really am now a firm believer in self help.
© 2017 Albert Zimbler
Albert Zimbler is a 92-year-old author of six humor short story books on Amazon of which MORE DATING AND MATING SECRETS OF SENIORS AND OTHER HUMOR SHORT STORIES is the latest. He also teaches senior improv.